divorcing ED

The caged bird sings

with a fearful trill

of things unknown

but longed for still

and his tune is heard

on the distant hill

for the caged bird

sings of freedom.

april 10th marks one year of recovery from my eating disorder. i would like to say it marks freedom and when i began recovery i thought i would eventually get to freedom. but i have recently swallowed the fact that i will never be totally free.

in therapy i learned about ED. ED is the one who sneaks irrational thoughts into my head and tells me i am ugly and unworthy. i guess you could call him satan. there are ED thoughts and emily thoughts. and lately ED has been yelling loudly in my ear. it sucks. alot.

so as ED got louder i tried to drown him out with the reasonable words of friends, family, scripture and supporters of me. i was reminded, once again, that it is not about being free. i will always have irrational thoughts. but i will constantly be working towards recovery.

and i am ok with that. everyone has crap they have to work through. unlike an alcoholic who can just avoid a bar...i have to face food everyday and all the issues that come with it. and i am ok with that. because i have a God who is strong. and the moments when i am weak, those are the moments my God works best. those are when my God is the strongest.

so i find freedom only in my God. it is not freedom from the pains of this world but it is freedom from myself. freedom from the burden of facing ED and life on my own.